As I lay hidden beneath the pile of abandoned printer cartridges, their ink pouring out into the grey office-grade carpets, I couldn’t help but wonder how I had managed to get myself into this mess.
I had come to Centrifico Technologies to find adventure and here it was in front of my eyes in the shape of an 8ft tall, 4 eyed, Magic the Gathering T-shirt wearing, monstrosity. Yet I couldn’t help regretting the fruition of my requests.
Suddenly a week’s worth of overdue TPR reports didn’t seem too intimidating, heck I’d even had preferred another tour of duty in the Call Centre, instead of being here, cowering in the dark next to my Moleman ally, who looked at me with beady-eyed admiration and for a moment his raggedy teeth seemed to gleam a smile of hope.
I had to succeed.
I watched the Jock Nerd as he towered over another lesser Moleman’s desk.
“Nice Mouse!” he said, his booming voice echoed through the cubicle “I think I’ll hang onto it for you. If you don’t mind, of course?” he added sarcastically.
The lesser Moleman could do nothing but stare as Jock Nerd seized the prized mouse. It was at this moment that a sudden urge of courage overcame me, was it weeks of oppressive work in the Customer Service Department? Was it that Team Building Day when they ate all the cocktail sausages? Was it Doris and here annoying stories about her cats? Who could tell? But before I knew any better a loud and defiant “STOP!” trumpeted from my mouth.
It was only once the Jock Nerd turned his tree trunk like neck to face me and I was transfixed in his quad-ocular glare that I began to regret my protest.
He took a moment to analyse what stood before him before asking “Who the hell are you?”
Sheepishly I muttered “I am Chris and um stop being such a bully or I will report you to human resources.”
This threat didn’t seem to have the desired effect unless Moleman injuries are signified by loud and boastful laughter.
“Human Resources?” he scoffed. “Firstly, no human has been down here for years, and besides as long as I keep Human Resources supplied with pirated copies of the latest ‘chick flicks’ they wouldn’t even dare confront me.”
“Fine, then I will have to deal with you myself” I said, but once again couldn’t help but wonder who on earth was actually making these claims as I almost immediately regretted every sentence that exited my mouth.
“And what are you going to do, little human?” “Do you have any idea how fast I type?” “I will f*#king END you”
“I will CTRL, ALT DELETE your tiny ass and block your IP address from all existence”
Perhaps it was a good thing that I was so poorly informed with regard to IT lingo, otherwise I may have actually understood his threats.
Instead, I stood in front of this testosterone fuelled brainiac, clutching Rudy’s mysterious elixir and as his looming presence cast a shadow over me I couldn’t help but think this was to be my greatest challenge, that and I hoped that Centrifico Technologies had comprehensive disability cover.