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Chapter 17: The Great Esc

Dear Journal

As I stood beneath the towering hulk that was the infamous Jock Nerd, I noticed the slight glints of light reflecting off the glass “eyes” of molemen and women all around. Their numbers seemed to be increasing by the second as they poked their little neckless heads out from their respective cover.

Jock Nerd continued to hurl what I could only assume to be abuse, but instead of being intimidated by this I simply stared back blankly at him partly in an act of defiance, but mostly as I had no idea what he was saying.

This seemed to enrage the beast even further who picked up a nearby cubicle partition and held it above his side-parted and peroxided head of hair. He waved it around threateningly causing a variety of drawing-pin fastened documents, keepsakes and motivational posters to flutter to the floor.

It was now or never, so I decided now was the better option, given the limited medical aid cover Centrifico Technologies offered. I opened the mysterious elixir and without a second thought I sprayed the clear liquid across the gargantuan intellect’s pimply, well chiselled face to the sound of a collective gasp of a thousand molemen (which incidentally sounds very similar to an asthmatic cat coughing up a hairball.)

The beast dropped the cubicle wall and the slightest glimmer of hope seemed to reflect in the thousand molemen eyes, but just as suddenly he simply sputtered and laughed.

“Is that all you’ve got? Water?” “I was worried you knew of my secret fear of spiders, I’m completely terrified of them. Ever since I was a little boy when my uncle used to come home late at night and come into my room dressed as Spiderman and try climb the walls.”

This sudden openness scared me than any arachnophobia, but it sure was better than being beaten to death with a grey cubicle wall. What could have brought this open confession on? Perhaps the elixir contained a truth serum?

“I’m not really this mean, I just have a hormone imbalance from too many nutritional supplements and from wearing these Power balance bracelets – I’m not stupid, I know they don’t do anything, but the jock in me can’t seem to take it off.”

“I just wish people here would like me and not be scared of me, I wish for once they would invite me to go to nightclubs and bars with them”

It was at this point that my moleman ally spoke up to say that they never go anywhere except to LAN parties, live action role playing parties or Star Trek conventions so that’s why they’ve never invited him.

There was a terribly awkward silence as the two arch enemies appeared to finally be seeing eye to eye to eye to eye to eye (I lost count at this point). While I was quite relieved not to have my brains smeared across a cubicle wall, I was hoping for a little bit more action from this encounter.

The molemen did thank me and raised me up on their shoulders (approximately 3ft in the air) and walked me as far as they could muster (also approximately 3ft). All seemed to be well again in the kingdom of basement level B7; the molemen had found a new champion in Jock Nerd; I had restored peace to the dimly lit land of the molemen and I was told that the server would be online by the time I got back to my desk.

As I began to ascend my the seemingly endless flight of stairs, each storey bathed in increasing levels of natural light I thought back on my journey and whether this would get me one of those extra-curricular performance bonuses that I had been told about for surely I was returning as not only a level 1c Customer Service Analyst, but also…a hero.

 
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Posted by on June 27, 2011 in journal

 

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Chapter 16: To Face a Tyrant

Dear Journal

As I lay hidden beneath the pile of abandoned printer cartridges, their ink pouring out into the grey office-grade carpets, I couldn’t help but wonder how I had managed to get myself into this mess.

I had come to Centrifico Technologies to find adventure and here it was in front of my eyes in the shape of an 8ft tall, 4 eyed, Magic the Gathering T-shirt wearing, monstrosity. Yet I couldn’t help regretting the fruition of my requests.

Suddenly a week’s worth of overdue TPR reports didn’t seem too intimidating, heck I’d even had preferred another tour of duty in the Call Centre, instead of being here, cowering in the dark next to my Moleman ally, who looked at me with beady-eyed admiration and for a moment his raggedy teeth seemed to gleam a smile of hope.

I had to succeed.

I watched the Jock Nerd as he towered over another lesser Moleman’s desk.

“Nice Mouse!” he said, his booming voice echoed through the cubicle “I think I’ll hang onto it for you. If you don’t mind, of course?” he added sarcastically.

The lesser Moleman could do nothing but stare as Jock Nerd seized the prized mouse. It was at this moment that a sudden urge of courage overcame me, was it weeks of oppressive work in the Customer Service Department? Was it that Team Building Day when they ate all the cocktail sausages? Was it Doris and here annoying stories about her cats? Who could tell? But before I knew any better a loud and defiant “STOP!” trumpeted from my mouth.

It was only once the Jock Nerd turned his tree trunk like neck to face me and I was transfixed in his quad-ocular glare that I began to regret my protest.

He took a moment to analyse what stood before him before asking “Who the hell are you?”

Sheepishly I muttered “I am Chris and um stop being such a bully or I will report you to human resources.”

This threat didn’t seem to have the desired effect unless Moleman injuries are signified by loud and boastful laughter.

“Human Resources?” he scoffed. “Firstly, no human has been down here for years, and besides as long as I keep Human Resources supplied with pirated copies of the latest ‘chick flicks’ they wouldn’t even dare confront me.”

“Fine, then I will have to deal with you myself” I said, but once again couldn’t help but wonder who on earth was actually making these claims as I almost immediately regretted every sentence that exited my mouth.
“And what are you going to do, little human?” “Do you have any idea how fast I type?” “I will f*#king END you”

“I will CTRL, ALT DELETE your tiny ass and block your IP address from all existence”

Perhaps it was a good thing that I was so poorly informed with regard to IT lingo, otherwise I may have actually understood his threats.

Instead, I stood in front of this testosterone fuelled brainiac, clutching Rudy’s mysterious elixir and as his looming presence cast a shadow over me I couldn’t help but think this was to be my greatest challenge, that and I hoped that Centrifico Technologies had comprehensive disability cover.

 
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Posted by on June 20, 2011 in journal

 

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