As I stood beneath the towering hulk that was the infamous Jock Nerd, I noticed the slight glints of light reflecting off the glass “eyes” of molemen and women all around. Their numbers seemed to be increasing by the second as they poked their little neckless heads out from their respective cover.
Jock Nerd continued to hurl what I could only assume to be abuse, but instead of being intimidated by this I simply stared back blankly at him partly in an act of defiance, but mostly as I had no idea what he was saying.
This seemed to enrage the beast even further who picked up a nearby cubicle partition and held it above his side-parted and peroxided head of hair. He waved it around threateningly causing a variety of drawing-pin fastened documents, keepsakes and motivational posters to flutter to the floor.
It was now or never, so I decided now was the better option, given the limited medical aid cover Centrifico Technologies offered. I opened the mysterious elixir and without a second thought I sprayed the clear liquid across the gargantuan intellect’s pimply, well chiselled face to the sound of a collective gasp of a thousand molemen (which incidentally sounds very similar to an asthmatic cat coughing up a hairball.)
The beast dropped the cubicle wall and the slightest glimmer of hope seemed to reflect in the thousand molemen eyes, but just as suddenly he simply sputtered and laughed.
“Is that all you’ve got? Water?” “I was worried you knew of my secret fear of spiders, I’m completely terrified of them. Ever since I was a little boy when my uncle used to come home late at night and come into my room dressed as Spiderman and try climb the walls.”
This sudden openness scared me than any arachnophobia, but it sure was better than being beaten to death with a grey cubicle wall. What could have brought this open confession on? Perhaps the elixir contained a truth serum?
“I’m not really this mean, I just have a hormone imbalance from too many nutritional supplements and from wearing these Power balance bracelets – I’m not stupid, I know they don’t do anything, but the jock in me can’t seem to take it off.”
“I just wish people here would like me and not be scared of me, I wish for once they would invite me to go to nightclubs and bars with them”
It was at this point that my moleman ally spoke up to say that they never go anywhere except to LAN parties, live action role playing parties or Star Trek conventions so that’s why they’ve never invited him.
There was a terribly awkward silence as the two arch enemies appeared to finally be seeing eye to eye to eye to eye to eye (I lost count at this point). While I was quite relieved not to have my brains smeared across a cubicle wall, I was hoping for a little bit more action from this encounter.
The molemen did thank me and raised me up on their shoulders (approximately 3ft in the air) and walked me as far as they could muster (also approximately 3ft). All seemed to be well again in the kingdom of basement level B7; the molemen had found a new champion in Jock Nerd; I had restored peace to the dimly lit land of the molemen and I was told that the server would be online by the time I got back to my desk.
As I began to ascend my the seemingly endless flight of stairs, each storey bathed in increasing levels of natural light I thought back on my journey and whether this would get me one of those extra-curricular performance bonuses that I had been told about for surely I was returning as not only a level 1c Customer Service Analyst, but also…a hero.