Tag Archives: coffee

Chapter 8: The All Nighter

Dear Journal

It is now 21:17 and I have 170 more of these TPR reports to do. The office is a completely different place after dark. For one it is much warmer than usual, possibly because the air conditioning has been switched off, or because the evil wizard that lives in my air duct is asleep…either way my deodorant spell has worn off.

There aren’t too many people around the office except for the zombies in the call centre and a couple of IT guys who are using company bandwidth to download ISO’s and Torrents. While I recognise all those words in isolation, I’m certain through all my other dealings with IT that they almost certainly don’t mean what I think they mean.

22:08 161 reports to go.
One other character that is present at this time of the evening is Phil, the night watchman. As if I wasn’t already afraid of the grossly deficient defences of this glass fortress, the fact that there is only one guard on duty during the night shift is absolutely terrifying. Thank god for the booby traps in my cubicle or I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.

22:58 142 reports to go.
I fear I may be becoming addicted to Coffee. Which is strange, since it looks like sludge, smells like sludge and tastes even worse, yet I can’t seem to go 30mins without a cup.

00:00 121 reports to go
I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I actually miss the constant interruptions from Eddie the Coffee dwarf. They are far less unnerving than the soulless groans and blood chilling screams that are coming from the Call Centre. I think I’m starting to hallucinate from too much coffee…or too little? I should get more coffee to be sure.

03:20 67 reports to go
I had a long discussion with Phil about his work as a night watchman. Turns out he used to be a professional athlete; at least I think he said that. I’m not sure what he said. I’m not even sure if I was talking to Phil or the mountain of empty coffee cups on my desk.


06:00 10 reports to go
I am almost done with these stupid reports, when my alarm clock goes off.
I am tired, I stink, there is a mountain of empty coffee mugs on my desk and I still haven’t finished these damn reports.
As the sun shines through the windows and the first few employees walk into the office fresh from their respective nights’ rest, I can’t help but think… this was not what I signed up for…

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Posted by on May 23, 2011 in journal


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Chapter 7: TPR Forms

Dear Journal

I can’t believe I’d ever say this, but it’s good to be back in my regular cubicle. I missed its flimsy construction, my squeaky plastic chair and my collection of “liberated” office supplies. I missed the rattling in the air duct above me. I even, dare I say it, missed the “personalities” of the customer service department.

I was not back for more than a minute before Eddie, the coffee dwarf, lurched in unannounced. I heard him from the distinctive slurping noises he made while drinking his coffee elixir. His stubby little fingers were clasped around a cracked goblet with the words “World’s Best Lover” written on it. I wondered why the world’s best lover would be working in such a menial job, but thought it better to congratulate him on the achievement.

He appeared insulted by this comment and slinked away…strange.

One thing I did notice that was different about my cubicle was a suspiciously large pile of papers with one of the magical sticky and colourful “post-its” on it. On the bright purple square was written “I need these YESTERDAY! – Mr B”

I wasn’t sure what exactly I was supposed to do with this pile of papers let alone how to travel backwards in time to do it. If only I hadn’t made mortal enemies with the wizard in the airduct, he may have been able to help me.

I asked Eddie if he knew what exactly these papers were and what exactly I was supposed to do with them. “Oh TPR forms, Good luck with that!” he said. “Thank you”, I replied, although soon after I realised that his well wishing may be an example of “sarcasm” I had been informed of earlier. I was told to read chapter 24 of my manual and follow the instructions.

Finally the manual is coming into use. The same manual Mr Berkley had instructed me to learn backwards on my first day here. All those sleepless nights studying would be worth while. I even remembered the title of chapter 24: “stropeR noitcudorP etelpmoC ot woH” sounds like a magical enchantment…even though I have no idea what it means.

I read chapter 24 again forwards this time and to be honest it makes even less sense forwards than backwards and far less magical.

1 hour and 27 minutes pass and I turn over my first completed TPR form. I would have thought I would’ve felt more of a sense of accomplishment, but there is something about seeing another 299 incomplete forms that dampens a celebratory mood. This may take longer than I had initially estimated.

298 to go

Energy levels fading fast…Where is Eddie with that “Coffee” stuff when you need him?

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Posted by on May 16, 2011 in journal


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