So I waited for several ours at my cubicle for “the Boss” to arrive, and when he did I was most uninspired. I expected no less a man than a giant, dressed in all his battle hardened yet polished armour. I imagined he would speak only in poetic verse, each word more powerful than the last, like some sort of word- Pyramid where the strong words would bully the smaller words beneath them.
What I was introduced to was some sort of imp-like creature named Mr Berkley, his only distinguishing feature was a distinct lack of any distinction. He offered me his claw in a gesture of what I can only assume is friendship, or in order to implant some sort of parasite beneath my skin – will have to see if any infection develops.
He explained to me that he had been working here at Centrifico Technologies for 15 years and that one day if I was lucky I would have his job. I wasn’t sure if this was meant to encourage me or warn me. He then proceeded to talk about his family, I listened intently as I knew very little of imp lore, but after the first 3 hours my eyes started to glaze over, much like Eddie, the coffee dwarf. I kept checking my hand for parasites, which I think started to unnerve him.
I asked him if he was in charge of the organisation at which point he laughed and explained to me that he was one of 3 managers in the customer service department who reported to several senior managers in this department which in turn was just one of 10 and that each of these 10 departments reported to a director who in turn reported to a Vice President who then presented to the Board, headed by the chairman who answered to the Global Board, run by the Global CEO. At which point I realised that my boss was far less important than he initially led me to believe.
Despite my every desire to run him through with my fountain pen, I managed to subdue these desires long enough for him to leave. Not killing this imp-man is going to prove to be quite a challenge indeed.
I asked him what exactly my quest entailed and explained to me that the world of customer service analytics is as exciting as it is dynamic, although he said these words in a hypnotic trance-like manner as if he were reading it off a banner behind me or was possessed by an evil wizard, perhaps the same one I heard in the air duct earlier.
He presented me with a monolithic sized book entitled “the basics of customer service” and was told to make sure I knew the contents backwards – this may prove to be quite challenging. He said that if I ever had any problems with the work I should just ask someone else.
I was then told to chat to Pamela in HR about the induction program, which would take me through the “in’s” and “out’s” of corporate structure. He then left saying “keep up the good work” what work he was referring to exactly I’m not sure.
I still have no idea what it is I am expected to do here